They say the first step to healing is acceptance. When I first heard that regarding alcoholism, I thought it was silly; it should be incredibly obvious when you have a problem. However, it took over a year to finally come to terms with my mental health. I am depressed.
Wow, it was really cathartic writing those three words. Those three words took me a longer time to type than any email I've written.
As of right now, I don't really have any intentions of killing myself. However, I'm currently in a mental state where I would be perfectly okay with going to sleep tonight and not waking up tomorrow morning.
Why am I depressed? I think it's a mixture of nihilism and not being able to meet expectations. Who's expectations? My own, and that's the scariest part.
Why am I writing this blog? Perhaps it's a cry for help without directly asking for it. I'm not at the level of acceptance where I can start asking for help yet; I care too much about what people think of me. Or perhaps by writing out all my thoughts on paper, then I can fight this battle more effectively.
Regardless, that's all for now. Nothing specific, just a nonsensical stream of consciousness post about my mental health. Hopefully next time I will be able to not only admit that I am depressed, but also that I am depressed and that I need help. Perhaps I'll go into specifics on why I feel the way I feel.
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